Healthy Conflict: A True Leadership Superpower
28 February 2023 · Tom Clarke
Sweaty palms, heart beating through your chest, shaky hands, struggling to get your words out straight… Engaging in conflict is a scary thing!
If you are anything like me, heading into a challenging conversation feels like I’m standing in the middle of a road about to hit by an oncoming lorry. All I want to shout is: ‘Get me out of here as fast as possible!’
But rather than something to be avoided at all costs, learning how to handle conflict well can become a leadership superpower. It can lead to deeper trust and connection, bring clarity to situations and relationships, and help find creative solutions to problems we’re facing.
Here are four tips to help you become a conflict superhero!
1. Conflict Never Goes Away
Whether it leaks out in passive-aggressive comments or in the simmering frustration you feel towards someone, unsaid conflict never goes away.
There can be moments where it is right to let an issue go or forgive the person on your own. This isn’t avoiding conflict – it’s choosing to engage with your own feelings towards the person or situation and laying those down. But this is really hard – and if you aren’t able to forgive and let it go completely before a conversation happens, then it will inevitably leak out in negative ways and potentially damage an organisation or relationship.
Is this situation or conflict dishonouring to God? Is the conflict damaging the relationship between you and someone else? Is it or could it hurt other people? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, it’s time to step in and address it.
2. Seek Connection Over Being Right
Conflict is not a fight to win. It’s an opportunity to deepen the connection you have within a relationship or a team.
Before engaging in a challenging conversation, make space to ask yourself: ‘What’s the aim of this conversation? Is it to get my point across and win an argument or to build a bridge in this relationship?’
In 2 Corinthians 5, Paul says that God has given us the ‘ministry of reconciliation’, so our goal in conflict should always be to move closer together rather than move further apart.
3. Own Your Part
One of the most powerful tools in conflict is reflecting on your own responsibility and saying sorry for the part that you’ve played. Is there anything I did which contributed to this conflict that I need to say sorry for?
It’s also important to ask yourself whether other factors are playing a part in how you’re feeling about the person or situation. I know that when I’m tired or hungry, I’m way more likely to react negatively to a situation or person – so giving myself time to reflect helps me work out whether a conversation needs to happen or if I just need a nap!
We can also project our emotions about situations from other parts of our life into a moment of conflict. Ask yourself: ‘Is there anything else I’m struggling with that is influencing how I’m responding to this person or situation? Where do I need to separate the situation in front of me from the other things that are going on in my life?’
4. Find the Time and Place
Once you’ve decided a conversation needs to happen, you need to make sure you find the right context to engage in conflict.
Grabbing two minutes in a busy room or sending text messages aren’t the most helpful spaces to navigate these conversations! Ask yourself: ‘Where might be a good place to have this conversation and how can I make sure we have enough time to do the conversation well?’
Go deeper with conflict and communication
Onelife Leadership Sessions
Online, video-based leadership resources for young people aged 11–14, 14–18 and 18+.